Lonely asks London A: How do I get back into the dating game?
Dear London A: For the past ten years I have dated a man 20 years my senior. When we met it was a strong attraction physically, emotionally and financially. Our relationship blossomed through the years and my kids began calling him dad. They were both grateful for all the opportunities he afforded them, and stepping up fulfilling the empty space left by the premature death of their dad. The problem is, he was extremely jealous of me; and no matter the friend, male or female, it bothered him whenever I embraced them with a hug or went out with them. I tried to explain to him there was no need to be jealous, because I cared for him in a different way; and most of these people were in my life before I met him. Also, he became missing in action with a non-verifiable explanation on his whereabouts. Well, my suspicions were continuous until one day the person he was dating sent him pictures of them standing in front of his car. Because I was so attached, I thought his relationship with this woman would end. However, it did not, and continued to support my children and provide me with financial assistance. I prayed and hoped he would discontinue his involvement and return as a committed man. Instead, he became upset with me and decided he no longer wanted a relationship with me. I didn’t talk to him for a year and a half. Then, one day I called him and he answered. This episode went on for three weeks. During that time, he came to my house and did repairs free of charge, all the while telling me how he enjoyed living out of town and that was where he wanted to be. There are two problems; one, he is getting older and had made me the person to contact in the state, should he ever become unable to make medical decisions. Two, I am still attached even though I know this reconnection will probably go nowhere! I have been going out in hopes of connecting with someone my age, with hopes of developing a new relationship. I am lonesome for companionship – however, this hasn’t materialized as of today. HELP, Lonely
Dear Lonely: Unfortunately, there are more than two problems in the storyline you have just given me. However, to answer one of your problems – in my opinion, a future relationship with this older guy will never materialize to the status you are hoping for. The best way to predict a future relationship with someone is by reviewing the patterns and actions of the relationship you had with him in the past. The reason you are feeling lonely is because you are looking outside of yourself to find happiness. For ten years you gave your power away to this man who filled the holes in your life with material things. This was your pattern, and now that he is gone, you are experiencing life without crutches. Break the pattern of relying on someone else to create your happiness. Believe in yourself that you are enough and your happiness is defined by you, not a companion. Otherwise, when you do find someone, you will find yourself in the same relationship, just with a different person. The reason you are not finding someone your age that you are compatible with, is because they are not fitting the behavioral patterns you have been in for the last ten years. I repeat break the pattern! Try new adventures and new hobbies in your area. Find out what makes joy grow inside you. This is how you break your old patterns.You are the most important person in your life. Once you start treating yourself as such, you will start to see potential suitors in a new light. A man should be an added bonus in your life, not the one that makes you whole. Smooches!
Image courtesy of: http://www.desicomments.com/dc1/02/73997/739971.jpg
Do you have questions for London A? Send them to AskLondonA@hauteis.com and get them answered.